Questions and answers

Q. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A. A drummer.

Q. How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A. The knock always slows down.

Q. Why do bands have bass players?
A. To translate for the drummer.

Q. Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
A. It took two hours to get the drummer out.

Q. What’s the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.

Q. What’s the difference between a vocalist and a Porsche?
A. Most vocalists have never been in a Porsche.

Q. What’s the difference between a vocalist and a chain saw?
A. The chain saw has greater dynamic range.

Q. What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
A. Would you like fries with that?”

Q. What is the difference between a bass guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A. Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one. But the guitarist has to show him first.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.

Q. How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

Q. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q. How do you make your mum drive really fast?
A. Put your guitar in the middle of the road.

Q. What’s does a stripper do with her asshole right before she goes to work?
A. Drop him off at rehearsal.

Q. What did the drummer ask the singer?
A. “Do you want this too fast or too slow?”

Q. What does a drummer say right before he gets fired?
A. “How about if we play one of my original tunes?”

Q. Why do singers smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their pictures being taken.

Q. Why don’t they let bass players have coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.

Q. What do Keyboard Players & UFO’s have in common?
A. You always hear about them but you never see them.

Q. How do you get a twinkle in a singers eye?
A. Shine a torch in their ear.

Q. Hear about the drummer who got an AM radio?
A. Took them a month to release they could play it at night.

Q. How do you make a guitarist laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell them a joke on Wednesday.

Q. Why did the singer stare at the frozen orange juice?
A. Because it said ‘Concentrate’

Q. What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummer’s arm?
A. A tattoo.

Q. What do you call a group of drummers standing in a circle?
A. A dope ring.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. The piano player can do that with his left hand.

Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!

Q: Why do rock bands have roadies?
A. To act as interpreters for the drummer.

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him a sheet of music.

Q. Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A. Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Q. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Get the drummer to do it.

Q. “Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”
A. “Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.”

Q. What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A. Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

Q. How do you know when a drum solo’s really bad?
A. The bass player notices.

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but he’ll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can’t just be pushed in.

Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. None. They just steal someone else’s light.
A2. Five. One to change the bulb and four do watch him and say “I can do better than that.”
A3. Only one. But he’ll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q. What do Ginger Baker and black coffee have in common?
A. They both suck without Cream.

Q. What do a folk guitar and a lawsuit have in common?
A. Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

Q. What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A. Who cares? Neither one’s a guitar!

Q. The definition of Perfect Pitch?
A. Throwing a bass guitar in the toilet and not hitting the rim.

Q. What’s the best way to play a bass guitar?
A. With a hack saw.

Q. What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and the PLO?
A. You can negotiate with the PLO.

Q. Why do musicians have to be awake by six o’clock?
A. Because most shops close by six thirty.

Q. Why are so many guitar player jokes one liners?
A. So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q. What’s the difference between a guitarist and a puppy?
A. The puppy will stop whining after a couple of months.

Q. What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A. A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

Q. What do you call a drummer with a high school diploma?
A. A genius!

Q. What’s the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
A. A pizza can feed a family.

Q. What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A. The stage is level.

Q. Johnny to his mum: I want to be a drummer when I grow up!
A. Mum: But Johnny, you can’t do both.

Q. What do you say to a vocalist in a three-piece suit?
A. “Will the defendant please rise?”

Q. How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it better.

Q. What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
A. He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

Q. What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A. Both suck when you plug them in.

Q. What’s the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
A. “I didn’t wake up this morning…”

Q. What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A. You get your job and your wife back.

Q. How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it’s electrified.

Q. How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder and 17 to be on the guest list.

Q. How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven. One to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Q. If a hundred dollar bill was laying in the centre of a room, and Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time were standing in the corners, who would get to it first?
A. The drummer with bad time of course. The other three don’t exist.

Q: Why is a laundrette a bad place for a musician to pick up women?
A. Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. What’s the difference between a singer and a pit bull?
A. The jewellery.

Q. Why do drummers play sports on artificial turf?
A. To keep them from grazing.

Q. What’s the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A. A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q. What’s the difference between a singer and a piranha?
A. The lipstick.

Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don’t have to retrain the drummers.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for drummers than for other musicians?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
A. Because he stapled himself to the chicken.

Q. How do you improve the aerodynamics of a singers car?
A. Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.

Q. What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A. A music critic.

Q. What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A. You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Q. What do you throw to a drowning guitar player?
A. His amp.

Q. A guy walks into a shop. “You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?” “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” “Duh, yeah. How’d you know?”
A. “This is a travel agency.”