Puns from Berkshire Live

Just saw a plane trailing a banner which read “3.14159265” or was it just pi in the sky?

Gareth Gates had to cancel his planned comeback concert in Chester tonight. He got in a taxi to go to the gig but unfortunately he ended up in Chichester.

Explosion at a Huddersfield pie factory. 3.141592654 dead.

My mate asked me, “If you could meet any celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be?” So I thought about it for a while, then replied, “Russell Brand……dead.”

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Q1. Who’s the coolest guy in a hospital?
A1. The ultra-sound guy
Q2. Who takes over when he’s on holiday?
A2. The hip-replacement guy.

Phil Taylor keeps having a go at me cos I covered one of his darts with glue. He just can’t let it go.

I think I have swine flu. I’ve come out in rashers.

Read a book once called ‘The Dog That wouldn’t die’. I couldn’t put it down.

I had the same problem with a book i read a while ago about Araldite.

Sometimes after work when I get home, I’ll try and squeeze myself into a cardboard box. I’ve never been able to fit myself in fully, but I absolutely love trying. I just can’t contain myself.

I entered an origami competition. I got to the last round but folded under the pressure.

I went for an interview at a blacksmiths the other day. “Have you ever shoed a horse?” he asked. “No but I’ve told a donkey to fuck off”.

Why did the Mexican sneeze on his wife? Tequila.

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt. So, I made a move on her.

Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He’s going to be their bow selector.

I rang my local pizza delivery company and ordered a thin, crusty supreme. They sent round Diana Ross!

This guy came up to me and said he wanted to cut the bottom of my trouser leg off, and stick it in the library. What a turn up for the books!

Why did the baker’s fingers smell like shit? Cos he kneaded a poo.

I said to the butcher, “I bet you fifty quid you can’t reach the meat right at the very top of your shelf.” Turned out the steaks were too high.

Man goes into Doctors, “I think I’ve got this bird flu thing that’s been going round.”
The doctor says, “What makes you think that?”
The man replies, “Well I’ve starting wearing make up, talking bollocks and I can’t park the car.”

My son came home from school looking all excited. “I got a B on my reading test,” he told me. “That’s a fucking D,” I replied.

I went to the car showroom and asked for one of those vans that I could go away on holiday in. The salesman said, “A little camper?” So I replied, “Ooooooh! I’d just LOVE a little vanny-wanny for my holly-bobs!”

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I went for an Indian last night. Didn’t like the way he was looking at me.

Source: Berkshire Live www.berkshirelive.co.uk